battle's of my demons

These demons, they haunt me. I turn away in aversion, but their still there, it's taunting and terrifying, always ready to pounce when I'm off guard. It's just an emanation of the mind, but it grips you to think of it as reality, it's a 'real' battle...fear, fear, fear... it's not the way i want to live, I can't run anymore, I have to face it and burn it once and for all...

Title:Analyse

Artist:Thom yorke

Album:The Eraser

A self-fulfilling prophecy of endless possibility

In rolling reams across a screen

In algebra, in algebra

The fences that you cannot climb

The sentences that do not rhyme

In all that you can ever change

I'm the one you're looking for

It gets you down

It gets you down

There's no spark

You've no light in the dark

It gets you down

It gets you down

You traveled far

What have you found

That there's no time

There's no time

To analyse

To think things through

To make sense

Like candles in the city, they never looked so pretty

By power cuts and blackouts

Sleeping like babies

It gets you down

It gets you down

You're just playing a part

You're just playing a part

You're playing a part

Playing a part

And there's no time

There's no time

To analyse

Analyse

Analyse

I have to come to a change, a transformation. If I have to keep living like this, i'll leave the world. The only choices I'd give you is to either live or leave, no halfways. I'm listening...

Certain things comes in mysterious times. For instance, a thought came to me, late in my time, but just in time for a life to begin a new one. I was showering when a pertinent voice said: 'stop living for people and start living for yourself.' It was then, that all that was bound to its meaning started unraveling itself. why do i exist? i existed because my mere existence was to serve as a company for my parents when my brother and sister was gone. It never quite shook me, because i wasn't clear with myself. i was bogged down by the very first question posted here. I didn't have to do quite anything to be loved, a love that was so banal it wasn't felt sincerely. My mere presence was enough, and that was what i became; an aimless route steered by my unknowing which has placed me in a state of constant seeking of the reason behind that role, till, that too became me.

My dependancy on my parents wasn't noticed, and remained unnoticed, sheltered by my ego. From time to time, they travel, while i feel depressed at home. Their return trip would be my return to the habitual routine. It was a struggle filled with emptyness at the cause of my ignorance and theirs. i don't think they quite know how much this has affected me, or how I chose to be affected by it. While people are driving away with their self will to live, I was behind queue wondering where or how do they do so. damage, damaged. when a person is damaged, they project damage.

Now you know, so stop looking back, and live for yourself. Life seems mysterious because you want it to be. Its seems to me the real reason why you want it to be is an excuse for an escape from reality.

I've came to my blog in passing, its been a long while. It feels pretty good to review a self that was before. Writings are like testimonies of your identity, an evidence to hold on to when you've lost your way. Which is exactly how I am at this moment-- A limbo. When your in a limbo, it feels timeless. Each passing day is ceases to stir in you. Thoughts comes in fragments, nothing makes sense. When it comes down to it? It's a lost of will, the lost of will comes with the lost of liveliness. To make matters worse, my plague of short term memory eradicates all surety of self. Which leads me to a constant seeking outwards to reclaim that lost, though it hasn't done me any good, since I've been excommunicated by my uni-mates. Not that it matters much...They haven't been extraordinary or significant, but, it still hurts. Yes i do care, I don't pay much attention, but my feelings do. It feels like blows to me, huge blows plunging me into the sea of disappointment. I'm so tired of this, so very tired feeling like this. Is it a sign? A good one for now, at least I'm feeling something...

I need a wake up call. I've watched the movie, called 'The Air I Breathe' I remember a sentence relating very much to my situation. Its goes something like 'what if you've already transformed into a butterfly but forgetting your one? '

Faith is powerful, but to have faith is to have will at the same time. Please allow it, be open like the sky.

i looked on to the aftermath of my past, the triggers of events leading to the precariously crafted self, now typing the words once crossed my mind have deepscaped into the unrelenting ticking of time in seconds,which now is the past, a memory. what was, and what is... what was and what is is the sum of all the hopes diminish and resurfaced in the black pool of streaming time, locked in the present. What were we looking for all these times, in the bleek or bright forethoughts to come? Something pure that trails our dreams, our hopes in disguise of things, feelings, a moment of conviction. And when that comes, we struggle with ends to keep it alive, even more so to keep the intensity on the rise to our insatiable hunger. sometimes this drives you to be too caught up in it.

being to caught up brings a inconceivable boundarys to your present choices. a sort of frame you use to frame old photographs in preserving that moment, memory while watching your present folding away. It holds you back, for everytime you look away, you'd miss a detail, or you'd watched it collapse into an idea, where you play god in this event, a director, snipping and slipping pieces that wasn't there before. you become a victim of the idea of things.

one day you've woken up, aware of how things were changed, unaware that you've missed all the changes in you. sometimes changes like these are painstaking, and the cast of your past lurks around the back of your mind, waiting like a trap for your slipup. when it does, it washes over you,what was the wake before slips into a dream. The banality of it seems to strike many people. for some, it was too late to wake, when the edge between wake n sleep starts getting fuzzy, till you fall into the edgelessness of it. your trapped. that thought terrorizes me.

it may seem easy when your told to just look ahead the horizon of time without getting trapped in a vertical loop hole, but the truth is, we have dozens, if not millions of loop holes, like habits, thoughts, memories, idiosyncrasy, fears, your innate character in things. these loops are not noticable, for the sizes of it until a disruption happens.

we leave trails while walking in the presence of it all. trails so we can backtrack to see what's gone wrong. i've come to terms with my hunger, review my trails, broken my frame. i'm looking ahead with an occasional glance to what was, striding ahead unknowingly but sure.

spot, stripes

Today i just had a bbq with my friends.. we had fun and all, but when they left i didnt had any warmth in me (the feeling that you had a nice time with ppl u care).. the warmth that people would not want them to go away.. instead i felt loneliness.. of course people would say you feel lonely because u long for their presence after u had a fun time.. but this loneliness was different.. when we were together, i felt like we were in different levels/zones/aura whatever you could call them... its as if they're panthers with stripes, and the other group would be with spots.... but i am neither spots nor stripes... i just felt like i couldnt find anyone in the same skin as me... i felt alone...uninvolve... i may seem fine but theres just this void between me and the rest of them... just waiting or looking for spotless ppl or stripeless ppl to fill me up.. i have found people who are the closest to that catergory... but its just that i m not close enough.. and i seem to be afraid or cautious about venturing outside.. meeting new ppl, and find them... i just wish i can find them one day... the people that i can have a connection with... its just that the way we think is so different, from my friends, to even the person closest to me rite now... i just feel like even this person close to me don't truly know who i am...i need to talk to someone about this but i just don't know who to turn to... so i guess i just let it all out here... the people who is the closest to my spotless and stripeless skin are always asking questions on why do i choose this person closest to me...to be my partner... being a stripe, together with a stripeless, we don go too well sometimes... its hard when u don have the same auras..
i used to hav a person very close to me too.. i always call him and let out my feelings... bcoz we think alike and have the connection.. but he dissappoints me sometimes, he's drifting further and further away into his own realm.... a realm which i call stripes or spots. so does my closeness to him.. thats why i feel so lost too.. the only person i m really close to has now has a distance in our friendship... thats why i m dissappointed... but thats life i guess.. i do realize what people mean when they talk bout loneliness being the worst of its kind when u feel lonely when ur in a crowd...